DON’T FORGET YOUR UMBRELLA

I will tell you my journey battling with the major depressive disorder, a disease commonly known as “Depression” alongside my psychiatrist so far.

I’ve begun my treatment around a year ago. I conjectured something must have been wrong with me inwards as everything at that particular time was going quite well, but not a day went by where I felt like I didn’t want to off myself.

To be fair, I had it all coming. I speculated for a long time I must be suffering from at least one of the mental illnesses out there since the upbringing I had was not very pleasant and I have to put on a mask each day I wake up so that no one suspects a thing.

As funny as it seems, there were days where I couldn’t continue wearing it anymore. I took it off, metaphorically. Not very long, people started to come up and reach out asking if I was alright as I looked “out of place”.

The self-decrepitating humour. Those suicide jokes.

Little did you know that was me the whole time.

I cried for two hours straight right after hanging up from making an appointment trying to, finally, fix everything that have been wrong with me. Long before it was next to impossible for me to burst out like that.

But when the gate opens, it’s just flood.

My shrink and I have been experimenting different kind of medications from Lexapro to Effexor XR to Valdoxan which was supposed to be one of the best ones in the game and that it costs over a hundred baht per pill.

Still, nothing seems to ever work to adjust the chemical imbalances in my brain.

Exactly a month ago, I was in a very deep depressive state. Even simple tasks such as getting up or washing dishes are deemed demanding. I was merely in bed all day. I slept for the majority of the day. I couldn’t function up to the standard I was once anymore.

Everything fell apart and my depression was about to get the better of me.

I also encountered a psychotic episode where I experienced hallucinations seeing things I shouldn’t be seeing, hearing voices echoing ‘round the back of my head that I’d better off ending my torment, and worst I saw a figure at the corner of my eyes telling me to jump off the building.

Both depressive and psychotic episodes were severe I couldn’t do nothing. I looked defeated. I was on the verge of getting battered by my own self. I cried a lot.

The pain, though not visible, was too much.

That was when my coping mechanism came to help. I underwent a depersonalisation mode. I was dissociated. I started seeing myself in a third person mode. I didn’t feel any pain anymore.

To be precise, not any pain, but “anything”.

Now I’m in a much better place, however the recovery road is still long. My doctor puts me on Zoloft and Apalife to reconstruct everything from the get go.

Thus far it’s worked wonder.

I’ve regained my interests of things. I love writing again, hence this article. I see a glimpse of the fun me trying to break out to the light.

Do not stop taking the pills at your own will again. Even if they don’t stop the rain, they act as an umbrella to withstand the wind and help you ride out the rain.

The world is filled with colour once more.

Talk to you later,

Matt