Let me try living one more time

I’ve been suffering from bipolar depression since, God knows, how long, though, I only decided to seek help from a professional a year and a couple months ago because it started to cause many impairments in my life and you know shit’s about to hit the fan.

Initially, I got mis-diagnosed as depression which is very common for those who has bipolar since you only ask for a hand when things go wrong (depressive episode), not when things are flying fast and you being on top of the world (manic episode).

Time flied and my psychiatrist began to suspect the treatment I received was not the correct one and that all the depressive passive death wish thoughts might’ve been caused by bipolar disorder, not depression.

Long story short, he took the high road. He upped my antidepressant, which was Zoloft then, in hope that if my conditions got better, it’s depression, if it induced mania, then obviously bipolar.

I’m a bipolar type II patient, which is 90% depression and the rest covers by (hypo)mania. It’s not a milder form of bipolar type I. It causes different kind of pain. Mine hinders my cognitive function a lot. I’ve never been the same ever since. My self-esteem goes down the drain.

Having a bipolar disorder is like riding a rollercoaster with a twist that it never stops. You don’t get a chance to breathe. You can’t get away with it since it’s in your head. It’s your thoughts. It’s not a back pain where you stand up and it’s gone. It’s constant feeling echoing inside that you’re worthless and the future isn’t all there for you at all whatsoever.

I’ve had suicide thoughts, not going to lie. I think about it all the time. I also cry a lot. I wish there were a way to eliminate these feelings. I know there is one, though, but it’s the hardest one, not the easy way out as many of you would’ve suggested.

Here’s a fact: the voice inside your head, it never goes away. It just gets quieter if you take the right medications, but it’s always there ready to be triggered.

I’m titrating up my lamotrigine intake to 75mg and it’s still not enough. My next appointment is in 2 weeks. It might be increased to 100mg soon.

I wish it could make me feel normal again. I want to be done riding these rollercoasters.

Let me breathe into the new person. Someone who is almost normal, but never will be. Yet, that very someone will enjoy his life and never has to suffer anymore.